My Own Version of Grosse Pointe Blank
Well, some of my early converts probably remember that one of my favorite movies of all-time is John Cusack's Grosse Pointe Blank, the story of a hitman returning to his suburban Detroit home to celebrate his 10-year high school reunion. While Cusack's character Martin Blank travels from Los Angeles to Grosse Pointe, Michigan to confront demons in his closet, my commute was only two hours from St. Petersburg to suburban Orlando.
Let me paint a picture for you... The year was 1995, and yours truly, unbelievable as it may seem, was not exactly the most popular person in the graduating class of Pick Your Various Orlando Lake High School. It wasn't really anything more than that I was very anti-social (no way!), I had a small group of friends I hung-out with, and that was it. I never went to prom (I was out of town at a state conference for a club I was in), didn't attend homecoming, didn't start dating until my Sophomore year in college, and I was 6 ft. by the 9th Grade so nobody picked on me. Pretty much, I avoided the "American Pie" high school experience of parties and trying to hook-up. The group of four friends from the Class of 1995 that I had back then, I still communicate with regularly. So, I went to my high school reunion to see the other 296 people from my graduating class that I didn't really communicate with back then.
Like in the movie, I decided to team up with my former krewe to attend the reunion together. Unfortunately, I didn't have any great lines like "I killed the president of Paraguay with a fork, how have you been?" to use on my fellow classmates, I totally felt like I was living the movie. Walking into the hotel that was housing the event (luckily, ours was not held in the high school auditorium as in the movie), seeing the pretty people coming out intimidated me to the point that I was ready to leave right then! Screw my $60, I'd have a better time watching Caliente on the Tivo. But, sucked it up and walked in to meet my fellow classmate. Apparently, one of my friends who I came to the reunion with didn't share my disdain for those we went to school with and actually knew other people than our intimate clique. Of course, even though he introduces himself to me, I have no recollection of who he is or why I knew him. As we approach the lobby where registration was taking place, we finally begin to run into some recognizable faces, all still looking great which of course means BEER TIME! Nothing helps the self-image like some liquid courage. So, after checking in, we head over to the bar only to run into a woman that I had known dating back to when I moved to Orlando from Daytona Beach. She had definitely had more than a few beverages, and apparently is a fan of my sparkling wit (like the blog, my bizzare sense of humor is displayed on our alumni website). So, like the one woman that Martin runs into at the bar, she comes up to me going "You're so funny!" Anyways, I introduce her to the rest of my mates and she in turn introduces me to her husband as we get our drinks and go our separate ways. I always say how high school girls now are much hotter than back in our days, but maybe I just missed out. The women at my reunion were INCREDIBLE, either women I had gone to school with or dates of guys that had gone to my school. Whatever, they were hot! Then, I see this stunning woman there who looked like a cuter Kirsten Dunst, in this elegant black dress, and was just racking my brain to remember if I went to school with her. Well, that question was answered when I see that her date is standing right next to her, a guy I actually stuck up for back in middle school. Back then, this guy wasn't exactly a nerd, but he just was enough out there that people would pick on him. Of course, birds of a feather flock together, so we ended up sitting near each other in many classes and jerks would constantly make stupid remarks and throw shit at him and usually I would end up getting caught in the middle. So, I remember it clearly, we were in the 7th grade in typing class and they threw a wad of paper at him that hit me (yes, they really were aiming for him). So, when the teacher left the room I picked up one of my books and just nailed the dude in the chest, spitting out some threat that if any more shit were thrown in my general direction I'd do something or other. Note again, I was 6' by 9th grade, so I was already pretty big in the 7th grade so me threatening violence against somebody much smaller than me could be kind of intimidating. Anyways, following class I was talking with some girl who wanted to know why I would stick up for him, and I had an afterschool special moment trying to explain why I thought bullying was dumb and that if you pick on one person over trivial stuff what's to keep them from picking on you for trivial things. Really Blossom-level material. I mean, there was more to that moment than that (and I eventually got in trouble because someone ratted me out), but after that he was generally left alone. Well, for the time at least. But, now back in the modern day, I have to say that I was kind of jealous. If he could hook up with "Hotter" Kirsten Dunst, he could have stood up for himself back then.
Then, the moment that everyone hopes for during a reunion, running across the girl/guy that you had a crush on years before, but haven't seen since then. Mine happened to be a girl whom I had dozens of classes with starting back in the 7th grade. As a cheerleader for the Pop Warner team, seeing her in those outfits is probably the reason why I still obsess over cheerleaders. She also would always wear her hair in a ponytail, another huge turn-on for me that lasts to this day. Pretty much, everything that I look for in a woman both physically and personality-wise, other than being Asian or Hispanic (which I developed in college), stems from this girl that I originally met nearly 20 years ago. And today, she's as cute as ever. Her long blonde hair has grown darker, and she has it cut short in a way that perfectly frames her face. If it weren't for her nametag, I would have thought that she was just another hottie I missed out on. While we weren't tight back then, we were always friendly but I always would shield the fact that I had a huge crush on her. So, it was no surprise that in seeing her again I couldn't bring myself to talk to her. What can I say other than that I'm a huge wuss? So, I'm sure she's one of the millions of devoted AOwL readers, so if this situation sounds familiar to you and you just attended your high school reunion, feel free to contact me via AOwL.com.
Anyways, during dinner they had a "special band" composed of fellow classmates play. OK, muscially they were pretty good. A little too loud for the space they were in, but not bad. But their singer was abysmal. Apparently, another of my friends knew one of the band members, and following their set he talked to him to find out that their performance was "a joke that went over everyone's heads." Umm, yeah! That had to be it. After that, and with about five beers in my system, it was time to bust a move out on the dance floor. While out there, I pretty much hung with my friends when the same girl who I had met earlier that night who said I was so funny came out and started dancing with me with her husband right there. Well, the fifth beer was still in my hand and hadn't quite kicked in yet, so I still had some sense of decorum so I drug my friend's wife out to dance with me. That worked for a while, but as I was finishing off Beer #6, and I was definitely beyond tipsy (I'm a cheap drunk as two will get me feeling good and three will begin pushing the limits of my sobriety), she came back out and started dancing with me and I just didn't care anymore. The freaky thing is that her husband asked to use my camera and took a picture. Of course, now my camera isn't working right and that shot's probably lost forever, but I definitely would have loved to have had it just as a reminder of how weird that moment was.
All in all, what I thought would be a nightmare of an evening turned out OK as I realized that my teenage angst was entirely internal and that my grudge back then was more with myself than anyone I had gone to school with. Just like the end of the movie, I feel like coming to that revelation and dealing with it can allow me to move on with my life than being hung up on the past. Of course, I've come to recognize that before, but growing beyond who you were for nearly 30 years is definitely easier said than done. And for those who I told what I do and you say that I totally sold out to 'The Man' realize this, the Revolution's coming!
Movie Review: Batman Begins (5 Owls Out of 5)
Going into this film, I had really low expectations. The only thing that I had seen Christian Bale in was the Shaft remake. So, while I was sure he was a capable actor, I wasn't sure how well he could pull off a young Bruce Wayne. And of course, there was the debacle that was Batman & Robin. However, that film was just so bad that if it comes on TV I watch it just to laugh at how ridiculously bad it is (I love the whole fight sequence between Batman and Mr. Freeze's henchman staged like an adaptation of Starlight Express at a hockey game). So, I was amazed out how incredible this film turned out.
The story, based on the Batman: Year One serial, describes the origin of the Caped Crusader, some of his comic book counterparts (with young Dick Grayson thankfully absent), and features the villain Scarecrow. The opening of the film jumps back-and-forth through time, taking us through young Bruce's childhood to his training in a remote mountaintop hideout of the League of Shadows. You find out why he chose bats to represent him, how he became so skilled in fighting, and also with the help of Morgan Freeman how he got all of his cool gadgets. Unlike Revenge of the Sith, the doomed romance between Bruce Wayne and longtime gal-pal assistant DA Rachel Dawes doesn't come off as middle school production of Romeo & Juliet. Not exactly the most brilliant piece of writing ever, but comparable to the final scene in the original Spider-Man.
Of course, with all superhero movies, the story does suffer from some lame plotpoints. The villainous plan is overly complicated and impractical, you have the damsel/young kid in distress moments, the morality tale, and all of that type of garbage. But, unlike other films, it keeps these points short and quick. The action seems tepid at times as they try to breathe more life into the characters, but when it kicks in is intense. And of course, they have to set it up for a sequel, which makes you anticipate the next in the series. All in all, it displays Batman's personality in all of its dark glory just as the Spider-Man series did a great job of showing his conflict in character of being an average teenager or a superhero.
Random Thoughts
- It's not really their fault, but I'm growing increasingly disappointed in Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Last Tuesday's episode was the second in their new season, and it looks like they're trying to move into the territory of shows like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The series originally would take the average guy and give him and his home the metrosexual makeover but recent episodes dating back to last season appear to have sad-sap stories behind them. The most recent episode displayed the life of a family that has quintuplets. What made Queer Eye so cool for me is that I saw people who were similar to me making small changes in their lives which I could copy. I don't have five babies, nor do I play for the Red Sox (even though that episode was cool for introducing us to Johnny Damon's hot wife Michelle). It appears that tomorrow's episode is going to feature a soldier preparing to go into combat. Each one has a great and sometimes inspirational story, but it's losing it's appeal to me as I no longer relate to the people being made over. But, as the ratings continue to slip for them, I'm sure Bravo is going to keep up these story driven episodes because they feel that they capture the audience's interest.
- Sticking to the TV realm, last week was the final episode for this season of The Shield. With Glenn Close signed for only this season, you knew that something would happen to her in this episode. While I thought that she would be killed, what does happen to her character is ten times more heartbreaking. It also sets up for what will be a shitstorm next season, as the LAPD gains dirt on the goings-on of Detective Mackey's group of rogue cops. But, as one incredible show leaves us for another year, another comes to take its place as tomorrow night starts the second season of Rescue Me. Also, FX premiered their newest show last week 30 Days, which is based on the film Super Size Me where they will be taking people and exposing them to different lifestyles for a month. And FX has another great looking show coming up called Over There about soldiers fighting in Iraq. FX is definitely the best network on basic cable!
- But, moving on to the best network period... HBO. I finally bit the bullet and forked over the extra $11/month to DirecTV to get HBO. Just to detour real quick, HBO on DirecTV is pretty expensive. First off, you only get five channels: HBO, HBO 2, HBO Signature, and HBO Family (they claim you get seven, but as I don't have a high-def TV or the Spanish-language feed, I don't get HBO HD or HBO Latino). The equivalent cable package has HBO for a buck cheaper, includes HBO Zone, HBO Comedy, and HBO On Demand. Just saying! Anyways, I guess I picked the worst time to pick it up as there really isn't anything great on. Obviously, The Sopranos is still another year away, Curb Your Enthusiasm is gone for a while, and the show I got it for, Deadwood, just had their most recent season end. I have on my Tivo the three most recent episodes of a comedy called Entourage that looked kind of funny and also recorded a new series called Cathouse which is supposed to show life in a Las Vegas brothel. Anyways, I gave up hope on Time Warner following News Corp.'s lead with FX to move some of their edgier programming from HBO to one of their basic cable channels, TNT or TBS. I've always shunned subscribing to HBO because I still think of it as a movie channel, and most of the movies that they air I didn't want to see in the first place. But with all of these great shows that everyone raves to me about, I just had to chin up and get it. Hopefully, it's money well spent.
- I heard so much about it that I searched the Internet to find Jessica Simpson's new video for These Boots Are Made For Walking, which is off the soundtrack for the new Dukes of Hazzard movie. Now, of Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Christina Aguilera, and Mandy Moore, the late-90's pop princesses, I was always a Britney guy. I thought that Jessica and Christina were cute (and Mandy was way too young for my liking), but overrated. Well man, I had never seen Jessica move like this! I thought she was the goody-goody of the group. Wow, I'm dying for her to come by my place and wash my car!
- Major cudos to CNN for ending their subscription service to watch video on their website. We all know that it's because they'll make more money in advertising revenues than they were in subscription fees, but still. They were the only one of the major broadcast news outlets that still required a subscription to view video of stories they aired, and the F that I was going to pay for that.
- Finally, I know I love to talk about Sirius Satellite Radio (by the way Sirius, good work on getting picked up in Canada so I don't have to cancel my subscription when I move to the Great White North), but there's another thing I have to sing the praises of. No, it's not the new Radio Margaritaville channel... It's the Radio Chick on Sirius Talk Central. It's just an incredibly hysterical show, coming on weekdays from 10-2. I had started listening to her back when her show was first picked up by Sirius but kind of lost track of it amongst all of the other great stuff on. But definitely, if you have Sirius, check it out some day because the show's addicting.
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